Not the news I thought I would be sharing...

Saturday, September 28, 2013

Something really crazy, unexpected, and exciting happened 4 months ago.  I got pregnant.  I thought last Thursday I would be making a really happy announcement to all of you.  Instead, I left my doctors office with the sad news that the 16 week old little baby growing inside of me had died in the previous weeks; just about the time of my last doctor's visit.  It was horribly unexpected, as everything had been going well and I was continuing to experience all of the symptoms of pregnancy.  It is just one of those things, those crazy twists and turns that life brings.

I know this is an extremely personal topic, one that people don't often discuss. But, life isn't always pretty.  I am hurting. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't focus, I can't sew. It's 5:30am when I am starting this.  All I can do right now is sit, and think, and write.

Finding out I was pregnant was extremely scary, but very quickly that fear turned to excitement.  I don't know if it was the hormones, the realization that I'd have a little person around to care for and love, or what it was... but my perspective on having my own kids and my life changed.  I had this wonderful little treasure to look forward to. And so quickly, and with no say in the matter, it was all over. We waited the typical 12 weeks to tell our loved ones, and then started making some tentative plans... Finding out the baby had died but I hadn't actually miscarried was news I could have never prepared myself for.  I've spent the last two days going through the very painful process of taking misoprostol.  My body just wanted to hang onto that little one so bad...  I was not prepared for the amount of physical pain it brought on, but in a way it was cathartic, it felt like a physical manifestation of the pain that was happening in my heart.

Everyone keeps telling me that I did nothing wrong - and I know that's the truth. But, it's impossible not to categorically analyze everything you ate, that drink you had before you knew you were pregnant, those cramps you thought were growing pains... and feel that in some way you failed.  You failed the new life inside you, yourself, your partner, your parents and loved ones.  I know it's not true.  But, it's how I feel right now.

The last two days have been something I could have never prepared for.  When I got pregnant, I knew the statistics about miscarriage, and thought it would be something I could handle, but I didn't know I'd feel like this.  I definitely was not expecting the news this far along.

I didn't get a chance to know the little person inside me, but I had all of these ideas of how my life would change, a new sense of purpose, wondering who this little person would be, what they might be like.  And now it's all gone.  I think that is the worst part: crushing disappointment.  The names we thought of, the plans we made, it's all gone, just like that.  Four months, gone.

Life is like that.  You can do everything right, and things can still go terribly wrong.  It's unpredictable, chaotic. I don't believe that some higher power is controlling the twists and turns of my life.  I believe that sometimes horrible things just happen. It's not fate, it's not always a case of cause and effect, shitty things just happen, and there is no reason, and there is nothing you can do about it. Those are the hardest tragedies to understand and cope with. You just feel powerless.

I am trying not to be angry.  It seems so cruel and unfair, and I sometimes question "why me?" But that is just life. I am lucky to have an amazing husband who is strong when I can't be.  He is supportive and understanding, and every time we encounter hardship, we just grow closer.  I'm lucky to have a mom who understands me and brings me homemade Sheppard Pie... My friends are amazing, and know just what to say and when to just be silent. My dog offers comic relief and snuggles and kisses, and never leaves my side. I'm a lucky person. But I still hurt a lot right now.

I knew the minute I looked at the ultrasound screen what had happened; it's an image I can't help but replay in my head. The first thing I thought was, "I am not going to be able to make it through this day." But I did. I made it through a horrible, painful, awful day. And I made it through the next one, and I'll get through today too.  And each day will bring new challenges, but it will also get a little easier.

Pain has it's place. It has a value in life. It hurts so bad right now, but it will get better. I feel like I've gained a lot of life experience through pain over the last decade. In my early twenties, I lived with a man in the beginning grips of schizophrenia. I never thought that he and I would ever get past that fear and pain, but that experience made us both wiser and stronger, and though we spent years apart, we have always remained close.  My brother struggled with a very serious addiction for years. The pain and horror of addiction tore us all to pieces, but we all made it out and are so much wiser and stronger and closer now. I have had my own personal tragedies, loss of friends & loved ones, struggle & strife, and each experience gave me new perspective and a new sense of strength.  And now, I am experiencing the loss of a baby that never had a chance to be.  It will get better, and in the end, I will feel stronger.

Pain does some amazing things.  Pain bonds people, pain gives you the ability to really empathize, and it shows you just how strong you can be.  My experiences, both good and bad, make me who I am, and I really like the person I have grown into.  These things have hurt, but they have also given me perspective over life and the things that are truly important.  I wouldn't trade these experiences for the world.

I am taking some time.  I hope to get back to work on Monday, but I am trying to give myself whatever I need.  This process is as hard on your emotional-self as it is on your physical-self.  I have asked my friends and family to not send their sympathies, I just can't handle talking about it to them right now and I don't want to feel pity. But this, somehow, just feels right.  No need to smile and say "I'll be ok."  I can just say all of the things that need to be said right here.

Thanks to everyone for your support.

55 comments:

  1. My heart goes out to you. Be kind to yourself, you will make it through this.

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  2. I wish I had the perfect words to make things better, but I don't. But it does sound like you are doing all the right things to get through a very difficult situation. Hang in there!

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  3. Thinking of you, Sarah. Look after yourself xxxx

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  4. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I can't even imagine. Sending love and and hugs and virtual cups of tea through the interwebs xx

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  5. How very hard and sad. Life can be super shitty sometimes, you are right. I'm thinking of you and your family.

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  6. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Please take care of yourself and remember that you can take all the time you need for yourself and to get through this. We are all hoping that things go better for you sending lots of love and support.

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  7. I have two cousins and a dear friend who have experienced the same thing recently. My heart goes out to you. There will be many ups and downs in the coming weeks. Take care of yourself.

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  8. So sorry for your loss. Sending you loads of love. X

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  9. It's very brave of you to share your pain. So sorry for what you are going through.

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  10. Oh, Sarah, I'm so very sorry. You guys are in my thoughts. I hope you can find someone to talk to who's been through a similar situation. Please take as much time as you need to take care of yourself and Dan.

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  11. Sarah, I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how you are feeling, but I can tell you that my mother had two miscarriages, and it's a pain that cannot be described. I'm sending you lots of love and hope that you can take some time for yourself to heal.

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  12. So sorry to hear this Sarah. I'm thinking of you, make sure you give yourself all the time you need.

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  13. I'm so very sorry for your loss, Sarah. Give yourself time. That's what it takes. It's not an easy thing, but it will get better eventually. I know.

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  14. I'm sorry for your loss. I'm thinking of you and your family. Please take time to recover.

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  15. Sometimes terrible things happen to good people. I'm thinking of you and sending you lots of love. Try not to pressure yourself into going back to work quickly, take care. xx

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  16. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine how devastated you must be... I wish you strength and courage to get through these difficult times. Take care.

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  17. I'm so sorry for your loss, thank you for sharing your difficult story. Take care!

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  18. Holding you to my heart, Sarah. You write beautifully even when dealing with so much pain. I find that writing helps me process things. I hope it helped you a little. I also hope that knowing we all care gives you some comfort.

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  19. Terrible news, I'm so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you and your husband. Look after yourselves xx

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  20. I'm so sorry to hear this. You're in my thoughts.

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  21. Thank you thank you for sharing. As women we must share our griefs and tears and loss, and give back to each other loving and kindness and hope in return. Keeping you in my thoughts.

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  22. Stay strong, let your friends & family love & help you all they want. Awful stuff happens & it is those around you who step up to the plate that will stay in your heart. My eldest son was hit by a speeding car & spent 2 weeks on life support - when I look back after 5 years it is with gratitude to those who held me together through the dark times.

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    1. I couldn't imagine how difficult that must have been for you and your family. We are lucky to have a strong support system.

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  23. I am SO sorry to hear this news. My thoughts and prayers are with you...

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  24. My deepest sympathies for your loss. I am glad to hear you have such a wonderful support system, as this will be a roller coaster of emotions for you. Just remember you are grieving and everyone grieves in different ways and at different paces. Do what's best for you and I hope each day brings you a little more lightness to your pain.

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  25. I know exactly how you feel as l experienced exactly the same thing almost three years ago. Essentially l did some serious soul searching and somtimes l think of the would, should and could have beens. I was so thankful of the support of friends and family around me which helped a lot which helped the healing process. I send you much love and support during this difficult time.

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing this with me. It helps to know I am not alone.

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  26. As a woman who has been through this four times in the last three years (two at 8 weeks, one at 11 weeks, and one 15 weeks) I can say I understand your pain. I do not know your pain as it is your's and yours alone. All I can recommend is to not trap it inside of you. I did not talk about my miscarriages for ages and went through a huge mental torment. At one point I showered in the dark for three months as I could no bare to look at the body that had failed my babies. My blog has helped. My partner has helped. But what has helped most of all is talking to other women who have experiences the same heartbreak as I have.
    Send you many healing thought

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing this with me. I had a very similar reaction towards the appearance of my body after the actual miscarriage had occurred; it was very hard to look at myself. Sharing my story has really helped, as has hearing from women who have similar stories. It is so common, but so hidden... Thank you again, I really appreciate you sharing your experiences with me.

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  27. I am so sorry for your loss. I can't begin to imagine how you feel and how you'll continue to feel. My mom lost twins at 8 months before either I or my siblings were born and I know she still mourns them and blames herself. Please be kind to yourself and know that you have so much support and love around you. xx

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  28. This is absolutely heartbreaking to hear, I'm so, so sorry Sarah! Take all the time you need to heal. Thinking of you and sending lots of love!xx

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  29. Sarah, I'm so unbelievably sorry to hear of your loss. I'll be sending lots of love and positive thoughts your way.

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  30. What a terrible loss!! I am so, so sorry that this happened to you. But I am so happy to know that you have such an amazing support system and that you trusted your online family enough to share your feelings with us. I hope it helped you some. We'll all be thinking of you and I hope that the good vibes reach you and help you heal.

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  31. Wow. I don't know you except through your blog. I'm so sad for you and your loss. It feels special to be included in this painful journey you're on. May you find peace.

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  32. I'm really sorry about your loss. I no way do you or any other woman deserve to go through such a tragedy. Keep you head up high, although, it looks like you have the right attitude.

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  33. I'm so sorry Sarah... take your time to grieve for the loss of your unborn child and be kind to yourself. Thinking of you x

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  34. There is a wonderful book called "47 Hours with A Prince" written by a lady called Hannah Boland which you might find helpful. I think you can download it for 0.99c. She also has a facebook page of the same name - she is journeying through a similar situation - unfortunately now twice over. Sending you prayers for your journey. Cheryl

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  35. I really admire your courage and grace for sharing your story, and in such a beautiful way. I hope you find peace again soon. Much love. xxx

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  36. Just want you to know you are not alone. I will remember you in my prayers.

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  37. "I'm so sorry" is such an inadequate thing to say at times like this. There's no way for me to know how you feel because your pain is your own but I hope that it eases and you can find some comfort.

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  38. I can't even imagine what you are feeling. I'm so sorry for your loss and the pain you are in. Sending love your way.

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  39. I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks, and it is shocking, no matter how much you read the statistics. What upset me the most was how the miscarriage (didn't know it was happening) was SO similar to labour (but way more mild), and how terrible the "baby blues" were after....in a way, I suspect it's worse hormonally since you don't get the relief of prolactin through nursing :( No one told me to be prepared to be a hormonal mess afterwards, they just talked about the physical aspect and the grieving.
    Take time for yourself, let yourself wallow in whatever questions your mind conjures up. Your mind is asking them for a reason; but sometimes "I don't/can't know" is good enough (though it's hard to accept).
    This isn't something you need to "get over", you just need to "get through" and how wonderful you have a good support system (I didn't!). :)
    Hugs!

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing this with me. I agree with what you say about it being similar to labour - your body goes through many similar reflexes but with no positive outcome at the end. The ob/gyn I saw really stressed the importance of taking care of myself emotionally. At the time, I was in a state of shock, but I now really understand what he meant. I am grateful to have good doctors, and a close knit family to care for me right now. It definitely makes it a little more easy to bear.
      Thanks again, I really appreciate you sharing your story.

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  40. Dear Sara, I felt compelled to write you today because I went through something similar and I wanted to let you know that you'll get through this and your pain will start to lighten eventually. Do try to be extra good to yourself physically during this as it will help immensely.
    Take care, (picture a big hug here), Melissa Brown

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    1. Hi Melissa. Thank you so much for sharing this with me. I feel a bit better each day <3

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  41. I can totally understand how you feel these days, I been into this situation myself some years ago. It is really painful for both body and mind. Take some time to rest and to be with your loving husband.

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  42. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I'm sending lots of love your way xo

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  43. Hi, Sarah. I am so saddened to hear of your news. I have been thru the same situation as you, although I was not quite as far along. You are right- it's something that isn't spoken about that much, but it really should be. When I had my miscarriage, I was so surprised to find out that my mother, grandmother, aunts and cousins had all gone thru the same experience. Why no one talks about it is a mystery to me, because yes, we all need to hear that we aren't alone. I applaud you for being open and honest and sharing something so difficult. My heart breaks for you, and I'm sending hugs your way. It will get better (and puppy cuddling is the best medicine).

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  44. This is something which scares me so much. I had one possibly-probably-maybe very early miscarriage, and my mother and my grandmother both were only able to carry one child each to term, despite several pregnancies (I think my grandmother had around 8. I cannot imagine.), so the awareness and worry that I may have a great deal of trouble having a baby when I actually set out to try is something I've always had.

    And in some ways, I feel lucky for that - I know that there's a danger, I know how wrong things can go. I'm not prepared, will never be prepared, but at least in my family we can TALK about it. And even so, it's a topic I have had a great deal of trouble discussing. And so I thank you for talking about your loss, because I agree it is an incredibly important topic with far, far too much silence around it. I also very much appreciate what you said about pain, because I agree. Perspective, strength, and empathy are all so valuable, and they come from our hurts.

    I am glad you have support, and if you are at a point where it helps rather than hurts: I am so sorry for your loss. I don't know you, but I grieve with you.

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  45. Dear Sarah,
    My heart goes out to you. I too had a miscarriage, about 4 months into my first pregnancy. And just saying it brings my heart to my stomach. I'm really glad that you wrote about your experience; I feel its something that a lot of women go through alone, and needlessly alone.

    I remember all the physical pain, like nothing I'd ever felt before, the heart ache and despair. Its still so vivid. You need to know, really believe in it, that you did nothing to cause what happened, the vast majority of events like ours are due to chromosome mis-segregation, and a natural "check" of the embryos gene library (by husband is a researcher in genetics). And, as a mother of two, that it doesn't affect your chances of having a baby further down the road.

    But for now, take very good care of yourself, don't forget to eat things like dried fruit, nuts, eggs and spinach to help your body recover. Its really important to allow yourself to feel and embrace your emotions. I won't tell you that feelings go away, but I will say that we learn to accept what has happened, and 5 years later I feel a little tingle of energy when I think about that life I carried, knowing that energy never disappears.

    And most importantly, you didn't fail at anything, is something that happened to you, not something you did.

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  46. Sarah,
    My heart hurts after reading your post. I could not imagine what sort of pain you're going through. You guys are in my prayers and I hope when you get to a point of comfort and peace that you'll be able to support other women and families who might go through this. I look up to you and your shop, even though we've never met, and I truly and deeply hope the best for you and your husband.
    -Teaka

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