Moving On

Friday, October 18, 2013

I can hardly believe it's only been three weeks since my miscarriage.  I feel like I have been going through this for an eternity.  Why do the good times seem to fly by so fast but the hard times drag on forever? My wedding happened in the blink of an eye.  But this, I feel like I could write a novel about.

The last few weeks have been rough, but mostly I am feeling better.  Physically, I feel back to normal. I am getting active again, working out again, trying to do all of those things I used to do to make myself feel good.  Mentally, I get better day by day. Mostly, I just feel an odd sense of being "lost."  I am having a hard time finding purpose in my every day life and tasks. I know this will change as time passes.  I am trying to plan small getaways, lunches with friends... trying to give myself things to look forward to.  But, I won't lie, it's hard and it's an effort.

Mostly, I get through my days without incident now. Thursdays are always hard.  It makes me think of that Thursday. Thursdays are the weekly anniversaries.  Soon I will remember it monthly, then yearly... then I hope the pain will become a distant memory. Knowing that this will get better feels good, but I am impatient.

Strange things make me remember it, even on days when I think I am doing ok.  The thought of knitting brings me to tears.  I was going to knit things for the baby.  Family get-togethers make me uncomfortable... I feel like I have nothing of importance to say. Certain things that I ate while I was pregnant are just unappetizing now, because it reminds me of what I had and what I lost.  It is so strange how this grief manifests itself, and those things that grief attaches itself to.  It's unlike anything I have experienced before...

But, mostly I am doing ok. I think from here on out, things will get easier.  From here, I hope I will start a new chapter.  I think the first month is the hardest. I am actively trying to stay positive.  When a negative thought enters my head, I purposely make the effort to move acknowledge it, then move on.  Getting messages from others who have been through a similar situation is really touching.  I know it's hard to talk about, but it feels good to know you're not alone.

Business has been busy, which although stressful, is a blessing.  I am running a few days behind and am lucky to have very patient customers (thank you!). I have pulled a couple of late nights and early mornings, and will work this weekend to try to get back on track.

Dan and I went to Toronto last weekend.  I haven't spent much time there since I moved. It felt pretty strange being there. I definitely felt like a country bumpkin.

We got a hotel for the night, had dinner with my Abbey and her boyfriend, went to the Art Gallery, then the Royal Ontario Museum on Sunday.  It was nice. I wish we could afford to do that more!

I don't know much about art, but Cornelius Krieghoff's Images of Canada paintings were my favourite.  Some were quirky, others beautiful, they all told a story.



The ROM is one of my favourite places in the world.  We saw the Mesopotamia exhibit, it was was ok, but not as exciting as I hoped.  What I really loved was the Gems & Minerals exhibit.  It was amazing! The highlight of my trip (I am such a nerd...).






Hidden away on the fourth floor was a small costume and textiles exhibit.  The coolest part of this was the black lace Alexander McQueen gown, and the Worth Gown.





Last weekend was also Thanksgiving.  We played it low key, family wise.  We got Oliver out for a nice walk in the woods, which I hope to do tomorrow as well.  Oliver loves to frolic in the woods. Frolicking is what pugs do best.




8 comments:

  1. ((((hugs)))) It does get easier as time passes. In my case I never forget and September is always the hardest month for me (my first miscarriage was in September), but life does go on and I have four beautiful daughters now. It is hard to deal with as it seems so intangible, but the pain is real. I wish I could be more eloquent, but know you are not alone. ((((hugs))))

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  2. Sending love to you, although still very painful it sounds as if you are making the first steps. Thank you for your honesty and braveness, I hope things get better soon. X

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  3. I'm thinking of you so much, lady. I'm so glad you were able to get away-- it must have been nice to get out of the house and spend time in a different place for a while. Hope your week goes well.

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  4. So sorry about your lost. I stumbled upon your store on etsy and I've been staring at your creations for the last hour! Everything you make is so beautiful and inspiring. It was so nice to find out you went to GBC fashion design and techniques, as I graduated 2011 from there! I am now in manchester for one more year of fashion school.

    best wishes, I'll be following you!
    www.emmema.com

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  5. I don't know you at all, but your articles make me feel like we've met a long time ago. I know that it's a tough time for you but don't you ever give up! So proud of you, that you do things now that makes you happy... I don't cope with stress well. That's what I have to work on now. You're my inspiration!

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  6. I was just catching up on my feedly and I saw your posts from earlier this month. I know I'm incredibly late to the game, but I just wanted to tell you how strong I believe that you are and how sorry I am for your loss. My husband and I had our loss in June and even though our circumstances are completely different (we'd been trying for 4 years to conceive and tens of thousands of dollars in drugs and treatments and then had a very early loss), I recognize so many of the things you're saying. <3 The sewing blog community is such a hard place to be sometimes - it seems like there are an extraordinary number of birth and pregnancy announcements all the time. I think it's wonderful that you're publicly sharing this very private thing - it really does help people to know that there are other people suffering in exactly the same way.

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  7. Those photos are really awesome. I love museums, too. When I'm feeling a bit lost or sad, they really help me to recharge and forget about the stresses and worries of everyday life. Stay strong, Sarah! xo

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  8. It came with a nice quality shawl too (same material as the dress). The only issue for me was the tulle underneath is not covered by a lining so I took the scissors and chopped it right off immediately.

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